#3

I don't know why I always feel uninspired to write blogs anymore. I haven't done it in years. It's not like anyone reads this or anything. I just need to start spewing out my thoughts somewhere. Anytime I talk to someone they always tend to over analyze what I say into something different. Do I really seem that complex?


So, I'm sitting here at work. Things are really slow. I have a lot of time on my hands. I tend to think about life a lot when I'm alone and have time to myself. I guess most people do. Lately I've been thinking about my family. My dad specifically. When I was on vacation in Chicago my dad wanted to know if he asked me to move back home to Texas, would I. I told him that I don't think that was a question I could answer with a yes or no. He decided that he was going to give me until the end of the month to give me time to think about my answer. Fine. It's been something thats been in the back of my head just sitting there like the last thing on a to-do list that you keep putting off and don't want to write a check mark next to it yet. It's hard to forget about it when every time I talk to my dad he reminds me of it. He makes a point to say, "Don't forget about what I'm going to ask you at the end of the month" or "Just remember that the end of the month is almost here". Here it is August 30th with only one day left and I still have no clue what I'm going to say. Honestly, I'm completely terrified of getting this phone call. I don't feel like I can make a decision. I don't want to make a decision. I love my dad and I love my boyfriend. I don't want to have to pick. I feel if I say I want to stay here then my father will write me off completely. He'll feel betrayed and used. I don't want him to hate me. I'm scared he will. Things will be weird like they were when I first left. I don't like that. I didn't like that. I never liked it. I don't want him to feel like he's second choice or that I don't love him because that's not the case. I love my dad very much. I think we have an odd relationship. I think we both care about each other more than we'd like to admit. We have a weird way of showing it. But... yeah. I just don't know. Am I making this harder than it should be? Sigh. I hate thinking about leaving my boyfriend behind, too. I really really love him. I know that might sound really cheesy to say but it's true. We've grown so close it's hard to imagine myself not being around him. He's my best friend. I feel safe with him. I feel comfortable around him. I don't wanna feel the pressure of having to choose one man over the other. it's not fair. I've felt so stressed over the past few days. Even now just thinking about it as I type this is can feel the stress building and the tears well up. I wish there was a middle ground. Some way to make everyone happy. I don't think that's ever going to be a possibility though.